Keep Calm And Carry On.



In this game of masquerades I always play the last card.

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May 24, 2010 | 12:00 AM | 0 hearts ♔

posting for firaizat's supposedly 1st anniversary;

memories from beginning.

remember the first time we went to the library? that letter. first, i didnt get it what you meant. till you explained to me. i was shocked. didnt expect you to like me and asked for stead in the nick of time. when i rejected you, i wanted time. time to forget about satria. then anna and emy came to meet me one day. told me everything about your past. i was shocked with the fact. your past with amirah, you and TJR. i didnt believe, but they were my bestfriends. of course i trust them. i wanted to avoid you but everything was too late. i fell in love with you, no one knew that. just me and myself. remember, went we watch kompang competition. in the bus otw homed, you held me hands. i swear i was nervous. but that was went i realised, i really do loved you. then on v'day, i decided that we became ttm first as i was still not ready for a r/s. but the fact was, im too afraid that anna and emy would scold me if i were to accept you. since the day we became ttm, i did many things to make you prove your love. remember i told you to buy for me famous amos. i didnt mean it. but you did buy for me. then remember when you did a 'love bite' at my hand? that was my first love bite, actually. hahhaa! remember when you pulled me and kissed me ? i was like so angry and pissed with you. like hello? im not your gf yet, please respect me. at least, ask permission laa. haiyaaa. on april's fool, i pranked on you. remember? you were soo angry that you hurt your fist. im sooo soooooo sorry about that. but you shouldnt believe me! haha. 18 apr 2009. your brother's birthday. it was the first time i met you parents. scary enough but i made it through. i still remember when you tompang me and we went cycled around ECP. and we sat together, watching sunset. it was the first time i met ashikin. she's damn cute. i remembered i had fun playing with her. when it was time for me to leave, she was didnt want me to go. i still remember her sad face. then i was like, "laen kali, kte maen lagy k?" then, i remembered. you asked me for stead again. but i rejected you again. im so sorry for putting you down. i didnt meant to.. then, the next day i had high fever. i was absent from school. i remembered when you sanggop skipped school, just to accompany me to polyclinic. i really really appreciate it. while we were on the way to clinic, your friend called. after you sent me homed, you went to meet your friends, i still remember. my heart was uneasy. i texted you but you didnt replied. later on, you told me that you went for a riot. and the police caught you. one of your friend, sabotaged you. i was so sad. scared too, of losing you. the next day, the police came to your school. you told me everything when you were in the police station. i felt unsecured. i felt a fear in my heart. after that day, you went out from TJR. it was hard to meet you since. you cant go out often. it makes me miss you so much. but your mum was understanding. she let us meet for awhile. that was nice of her. then i remember, that day. i told you i didnt want to accept you. it was supposed to be a prank. you said i was a promise-breaker. you still scold me vulgarities. i was so pissed that i didnt text you the whole day. that night, i went to 'ceramah'. you called my homed. you asked my mum where i was. then you went to meet me at the place i went 'ceramah'. but i avoided you, i didnt talked to you. didnt even looked at you. then after talking things out, we were okay back. after many ups and downs, at last. we were together on the 24th may 2009. i didnt break my promise, did i? there were good times. we went bugis and queenstown during our 2nd month, bought the same pair of watch. then remember, there was one time. we were otw to my block, my slippers broke? you went 'block shopping' and get me a slipper. though i already threw it, but i still remember that funny incident. there were bad times too. when i accidentally hit my THICK maths textbook and your lips were bleeding badly. i felt so guilty. when we always fight about your cigarettes. when you found out i texted amin, you were like so mad at me. and i were mad at you as you didnt believe we were just friends and nothing more. i hate when you were always sarcastic about him. it stabbed my heart cos he's my favourite ex. hmm, memories i treasure though. then every time when you were angry with me, i wanted to hold your hand. but you would put force to your fist so i cant hold you. after awhile, then you gave up. haha. that was one of the sweet things i could remember. during june holidays, i went genting, we talked otp till 3am. i could see you didnt want me to go . you even texted me when i was in genting to tell how much you missed me. it made me eager to come back s'pore. after a few months, came fasting month. and hari raya. i still remember, you took out my ring and kinda 'proposed' me while we were walking during jln raya. so sweet of you. (: i had fun with you. but after that, didnt you realise? we were drifting apart. yes, i complained alot that night. the biggest fight we ever had. im sorry, i dared you. but i wanted to see how far you would defend our r\s. but to my biggest shock.
"if that is what you want, fine! lets break up. jadi i tk buat you sedeh lagy. goodnight."
i was like staring for few seconds at my phone. unbelievable. shocked. like extreme super fucking god dammit shocked. i still remember that day earlier, we went to woodlands park. like happily then now, you're leaving me. i texted you like hell, i called you like mad. but you didnt picked up nor replied me. i cried to sleep. i thought you needed time to cool down. but the next day was the same. you wanted time out. we didnt contact for me for two days. then out of sudden, you wanted to meet me. i remembered, at canberra park. i remember some of your sentences like,
"kalau i kate i nak break, macam mane?",
"asl you sayang i pulak?",
"ade laki laen pe..",
"senang uh, you kn lawa.",
"amin ade?".
your words was heartaching. i couldnt take it no more. that i broke out infront of you. then you hugged me. but the worst part came again, a few days later. you treated me like as if im a doll, that you no longer need it anymore. you said i was adding problems in you life. you told me to not hope for anything anymore. i was in pain, but i managed to survive in the long run. remember when i said i miss you and i wanted to meet you. what did you say?
"hari laen uh. i dgn kwn i uh. jgn degil blh tk? i kate tkya jumpe kan nari."
do you know where i went every time you didnt want to meet me? i would go to the place we usually sit. thinking of the past. sometimes, i would even cry. )': how could you have the heart to do that to me? sometimes i would go school, crying early in the morning. you didnt sent me to school anymore. one day, anna called me. she told me you've already planned to break up after your birthday. i was more hurt. but my heart was already numb. too hurt, i guess. anna told me to do what i had to do. i went KL with my friends, i still remember how you texted me when i left. so different with the one when i went genting. i almost cried otw there. but my friends made me happy. thanks to them. after a few days i came back from KL, the days was nearing. i wasnt prepared but i told myself i had to do it. 18 nov 2009, your birthday. remember we met? talked for some time. then you had to leave. i still remember. i salam you. i gave your birthday present. i kissed you, hugged you. i look into your eyes. my tears was already flowing. i held your hand, then i said. "i sayang you, b." with tears rolling down, i left and walked homed. i waited for you text me for 6 hours. and i cried non-stop reading the breakup text. heartbreaking enough. when i send you some text about how i felt, what did you said?
"eh, can stop all this fucking nonsense anot? until when you want me to stay like this, hah? move on laa okay. just forget about me. goodnight."
after that day, i didnt text you anymore. few months of breaking up, you contact me again. you apologised for your harsh words. we were friends. i mean, really friends. i thought we could go back together. early january, we went saturdays classes together since you had Mendaki lessons. studied together after that. but we didnt talked about the past. furthermore, we lost contact for some time. maybe you was busy. that was when i realised. i had to move on. i cant be hanging like this. but at times, i missed you still. remember the exercise book about us? sometimes, i would bring it to school. to sing some songs when im bored in class. and when i read back the book, i cant believe we ended this way. hmm.. later on, you texted me. said, you're going Italy for learning journey. then i asked you to study with me. remember? the last time we went study together? i gave you this leg band same as mine. cause i know, after you went back from Italy i wont be able to meet you. reason? im gonna accept amin's patch. 28 march 2010, you text me. said you'd missed me, i called you. chatted about your trip. then a few days later, you found out about firamin. well, i wanted to tell you but i thought it would be no use. we're just friends, whats the point? but i was shocked you told me you wanted patch. i felt blue when dd told me about you after you went back from Italy. but, well. too little, too late. im sorry i chose to moved on. wasnt this what you want? im happy with what i have now. though sometimes i miss our memories together. its been along time i didnt walk past that place we sit. i didnt even want to look at it. not because i hated it. but cause it was pain to remember the times we laughed and at the very end, when i cried. well, i hope you're doing fine now. glad you had moved on. i did read you blog. i kinda disappointed to know about that. but yeah, its your life. just take care, kay? i still do care for you, Aizat. and again, happy supposed 1 year anniversary. (: you're still the best thing that ever happened to me. and for the record, you're still my favourite mistake. thanks for the memories. do meet up soon with shikin maybe?

10 months of love, 6 months of r/s.

eventhough you've brought dark clouds in my life,
will learn to love again.
eventhough you've broke my heart to pieces,
i will learn to love again.
eventhough you've made my world fall apart,
i will learn to love again.
evethough you've left me in the rain,
i will learn to love again.
eventhough i need to survive this pain,
i will learn to love again.

and yes, i did.

Happy Birthday, Hanisah!

You made me laugh when I cried so hard

You gave me bracelets to cover my scars

You held me close when I was so cold

You offered a comforting hand to hold

You picked me up whenever I fell

You showed me heaven when I was blinded by hell

You answered my calls in the darkened night

You gave me the reasons to hold on and fight

You rescued me when I was drowning in pain

You placed me back on the right path again

You loved me forever and stayed by my side

You entered my heart as an angel to guide

You may not be with me so much anymore

But I know you will leave open a beckoning door

I miss you so much but

I'll fight till the end

I love you so much my Bestest friend.

True love begins when nothing is looked for in return.


Fly away ▲

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