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May 20, 2011 | 5:05 PM | 0 hearts ♔
When we broke up on the 2nd May, I found myself in sadness & anger. I seriously dont know if that was what I really wanted. Then I realised I was just too stressed out with my DNT & at that point of time, we were on the rocks. That was why I initiated on the break up, that was why I decided to let go of the r/s. I feel like as if I couldnt juggle them together. I had so much in mind, i felt like bursting up. I tried to talk to you before we broke up. But you knew, I dislike those one word replies. You showed me that as if you wouldnt care if I left. As if it wont hurt you if I ended everything we've bulit. And so, I was determined to let it go. But, if you did show me that you'd fight for us, I would have considered it.The next day, I couldnt find myself. I was bitter, I felt numb all over me. I dont know if I was even alive inside of me. I tried to keep myself together. To go through the day but inside of me, I felt something missing. It was like a huge hole that punctured through. No, not through my heart but just somewhere I cant even figure out. When you text me, it was like the a ray of light. It felt like, you got lost somewhere then you found this torchlight in your grasps. Just a little light & you already felt better. It didnt heal all the numb, all the pain I felt but it made me felt a little fine. Then I teared that night when you said you cried for me. You shouldnt have cause I wasnt good enough for you. I was never. I still remembered you said that, I was someone special who you wont forget. No, Amin. I'm not special. I am just an ordinary girl who came into your life & live in. That's it. I came into your life to make you happy & I'm sorry I failed to.
A few days later after our break up, you gave me this long text. Remember? You said about your regrets, all the hurt. To be honest, I was quite upset when I woke up to read it at 3am in the morning. 'Know why? Cause you said you rather hurt yourself than hurting me. You didnt want to fight for us cause you knew its gonna be same in the future. You didnt wanna hurt me and treat me badly anymore.. But then, you still love me & how you wished you could rewind back the time. WHY, Amin? Why would you rather hurt yourself? Didnt you realise it has hurt me too? How could I bear seeing the only guy I loved, hurt himself? It definitely cuts me too.. And how did you even know that its gonna happen the same thing again in the future when we havent even tried, when we dont even know how future looks like? Are you telling me you've given up on us after we've built so much? Would you just walk away when someone wants to demolish on a house you've paid with all your money you've worked for? Then why are you doing this to our r/s, Amin? Oh, and you wanna mentioned about those times you've treated me badly & hurt me? Amin, I know you're just another human being. There is no r/s there's ever perfect. Every r/s has fights and arguments, both will eventually get hurt. I know I've hurt you too but come on, just apologise and I'll forgive you. If this r/s brings us to somewhere, all the pain would someday be useless. Its worth the pain, it will.
When we agreed to be in love, contact each other yet still not in a r/s, I felt so much better. I swear. I dont have to lose you. I wanted you to stay. I wanted to start a fresh. You came back with a ray of hope. We were so in love didnt we? Everything felt in place now. The hole I felt in myself was about to hide somewhere. I was really happy, beyond happy I could say. It's been a long time since I felt like I'm in love. Falling in love back with the same person all over again.. I wanted to be with you. I mean, I've always wanted to be with you, I wanted to patch up with you as soon as possible. But not that soon, though. I thought of giving myself just a little more time.
You gave me a bucket of happiness for that moment. Until that night when you say, you'd prolly move on. I was crushed. So many things was running in my head, so many questions I wanted to ask but I couldnt find a way to put those words together. When we had both sort things back & talk things out, I was definitely relieved. But I was insecure too. I was thinking what if you really decided to move on one day?
Then things was doing fine. I wished things would have stay like it was. We met that particular day.. Your lips. Your eyes. Your touch. Being in your arms. I cant resist them. We were so into with each other. You kissed me on the forehead, I felt like my problems run away. Far away. I wanted to cry but I was too happy that I'm with you at that point of time. I was really in love with you. I didnt want to you to leave. I really didnt want to. It was my biggest fear.
I hated changes. We met again after some time, I suddenly realised I've lost the Aminudin I adored. I dont know what happened in between too. Maybe of that time when I fell asleep and we had a slight argument. I dont why I was too tired that day. I apologised & again, I did it the next night. I dont know why I fell asleep too fast. Really. But I felt really bad towards you. Hmm. I'm sorry. ):I tried to talk out to you like per normal. But I felt something wasnt right. You gave me those 1 word replies again, it made me lose my mood to talk to you. I felt shitty. All that feeling I hated, came back. I dont know what to do. I wanted to ask you but I didnt want to make things worst. You seemed tired. So, I just let it away. Yesterday, I really dont get it what happened. First, you said you wanted to meet. I thought it might be a good idea. Then you said, maybe not. I texted you and you took almost an hour to reply. I thought you fell asleep. But you said, you didnt. Then I just felt pissed for a moment. & you 'K' made me felt more frustrated. So, you asked me what's up with my Twitter. I answered you. And you asked me, what do I expect from you?
I dont expect much from you, Amin. I just wanted you to stay & most of all, I just want you to treat me right. I really dont expect you to text me 24/7. I just wanted you to be there when I'm alone. To laugh with me when I'm at my happiest state. Just sit & listen when I have problems. I'll be with you. I will always do. But when times gets rough, fight for us. Don't give up easily when you havent tried to work it out. So, is that so much for me to ask for? You have your another chance now. Make use of it. You'll never know till when you'll get the chance. Even if one day we'll realise that I'm not made for you, atleast we've made the best memories out of this. Go think about it.